Grace (or lack there of)

Throughout my life I have managed to make a complete spectacle out of myself at the worst possible moments. You doubt me? I think I'm exaggerating? Well it's true. If I'm trying to impress people that's when I say my, errr less intelligent sounding remarks. Whenever I am aware that people are watching me, I just sort of shut down and forget how to do things like talk or eat, or any other basic skill that should really require no effort. You still need convincing? Here's a great example from when I was in 12th grade:

My English teacher got it in her head that we needed to do some sort of going away project since we were seniors. You could basically do anything as long as it was memorable and represented you. Well me and my friend decided that we would work together on it since neither of us could think of anything to do on our own. The only problem was that we failed to consider the fact that just because we were working together didn't mean that we would suddenly find inspiration as to what to do.

Eventually, and to make sure it was fully established what nerds we were, we decided that we would talk about our friendship through the books that we both enjoyed reading. It was just about the lamest idea for a project you could come up with, but hey, it was something. So we wrote out this whole monologue thing that we were going to read in front of the class, including different quotes from the books we both enjoyed. Jeeze, as I'm writing this out I'm becoming more more fully aware of how dorky we were.

Anyways, I have some slight issues with public speaking. I get incredibly flustered every time I  have to get up in front of people. So at one point I read a quote from Memoirs of a Geisha that said "Nowadays many people seem to believe their lives are entirely a matter of choice; but in my day we viewed ourselves as pieces of clay that forever show the fingerprints of everyone who has touched them." After I read the quote I was supposed to explain how it related back to my friend and me. Unfortunately in my flustered tongue-tied self I managed to say "And just like in the quote, me and ***** touch each other."  Immediately I stopped talking, realizing what I had just said. Dead silence filled the air for a good 10 seconds....

I tried to move on with a pathetic "And ummm yeah, the book..." but it was too late. One of my classmates was turning red, clearly trying to hold her laughter in, but as soon as I tried to speak again she burst out laughing. Soon my entire class was laughing. It wasn't just a slight chuckle. It was tears rolling down the face laughter. Even the teacher. In her defense she was trying really hard not to. Just not hard enough to you know, not laugh. 

My life has been filled with theses moments. Thursday was no different. I had just taken a test with my English professor that afternoon, and later in the day I happened to pass by him once again in front of one of the academic buildings. I was wearing a skirt and heels because I also had to give a presentation in another class that day. So as we started to get closer to each other, he raised his hand to wave at me, smiling away. He may be clearly into his 60s or 70s, but he is more energetic than most 20 year olds I know. He's a pretty awesome guy.

So of course, true to my nature, I got a little too into waving back to him and I forgot to look where I was walking. I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk. Any other day this wouldn't have been an issue, but today I was wearing heels. Needless to say I went from saying hi to my professor, to saying hi to the ground in less than 2 seconds. 

To my complete mortification he came running up to me to help me up. I quickly shot back up like nothing happened and smiled like nothing in the world could have made me happier at that moment than falling straight on my butt. What I wanted to do was just lay on the ground in my own embarrassment and shame, but I don't think that would have helped the situation much. On the bright side, maybe he will give me bonus pity points on my test. At the very least he will always remember me.

For your entertainment: A video!

On my ipod today: "Let's Get It Started" by the Black Eyed Peas. They may not be able to sing live in any way that resembles actual singing, but I cannot deny the catchyness of this song.

Suburbia

Suburbia. While it is absolutely nothing like how they make it out to be in the movies generally, there is one thing that Hollywood got right. It's dull as hell. I've lived in the same house my entire life. All my neighbors have been the same neighbors I've had my entire life purely because of the fact that they are really old and are going nowhere (you know you all just thought "until they die." Don't deny it).

I love how in the movies there is always that chipper family who lends you things like a cup of sugar and they invite you neighborhood block parties and things like that. In reality, if your neighbor ever asked you for a cup of sugar you would wonder what their ulterior motives are and automatically assume they are an insane person. Okay, maybe that's just my neighborhood. We refer to the neighbor on our right as "the crazy lady" because the only time we ever see her leave her house is to yell at the people she pays to do her lawn. I guess if all you did was stare out at your lawn all day, you would notice when it was cut too short also.

The lawn seems to be the crowing trophy as to whether or not you are winning the suburbia game. "Have you seen John's lawn lately? He needs to water it more. It's turning brown." People act as if this bothers them, when in reality they are secretly happy their neighbor's lawn is failing because it makes their own lawn look better in comparison. "HA! Take that John! You may have a pool but my lawn makes yours look like a dead pile of sticks! I'm so winning the suburbia game."

For myself, heaven help me if I end up in suburbia again. If I do somehow end up there again (please no...) I think I would find great entertainment in mixing it up a bit. I could make my whole front lawn a giant in-ground pool, paint my house purple, have a slide that comes down from my second floor down to the outside pool. Every Friday night would be disco night and I could have a retractable roof that let giant sky lights into the sky. This seems to be getting costly. I may have to sell a few organs first.

Surbia would actually be cool if everyone was like this: Awesome House

On my ipod today: "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse. The epic-ness of this song simply will blow your mind. I can't listen to it without feeling the need to get up and do something freaking awesome like get in a sword fight with a random person. Then I remember that people would probably not get it and call the police on me.

Cell Phones

If you haven't noticed how cell phones seem to have taken over so many people's lives, then you must be living in some sort of cave. That or you are Amish, in which case you aren't really reading this anyways.

It amazes me how some people hold onto their cell phone like its pumping life preserving juices into their veins. Take for instance, any time you want to leave your house. You can't leave without someone having that panic moment where they shout out "WAIT! Where is my cell phone?!" as if not having their cell phone somehow prevents them from being able to put one foot in front of the other in order to walk out the door. The way some people panic you would imagine they lost their first born child or they found a cat stuck in a tree.

Have you ever noticed that it is no longer socially acceptable to simply sit anywhere anymore? You don't have to actually be doing anything, you only have to look like you're talking with someone on your phone.

Sitting alone on a bench=creepy.

Sitting alone on a bench aimlessly staring at your cell phone=socially acceptable.

As much as cell phones can annoy me, especially when people seem more preoccupied with the virtual people they are talking to rather than the living breathing ones in front of them, people who don't own one can be equally annoying. Take for instance one of my professors. I'm TAing one of his classes and I was going to hold a review session for the students over the weekend. He asked me if I had any questions before I held the session and I told him I couldn't think of any at the moment, but if I did I would e-mail him. He then told me that he would be away all weekend with no access to the internet. He also told me that he doesn't own a cell phone. He then proceeded to give me his wife's cell phone number and told me to call her since he will be near her all weekend anyways. Yeah, I'm going to call my professor's wife's cell phone number for a review session question while they are on vacation for the weekend. That wouldn't be weird or awkward at all. 

I would have the professor without a cell phone. It's just so unnormal.

On a side note to my roommates: I spelled the words "fat" "die" "porn" and "mushy" with the magnet letters on our refrigerator about a week ago. I was expecting someone to move the letters or at least comment on the word choice by now, but no one has. I'm a little concerned. Are you all really that unobservant or are you really perfectly okay with keeping these words spelled out on our fridge?

A Related Cartoon I Found! 

On my ipod today: "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" by Beyonce. I can do that side to side head thing she does in her video like you wouldn't even know.

Shopping

I'll be the first to admit that I don't particularly enjoy shopping. Wait-let me clarify that. I don't particularly enjoy shopping with other people. I'm more of a go in, get my crap, pay and leave, kind of shopper. Unfortunately from my experience, this is actually atypical behavior. Most other people treat shopping as some sort of enjoyable excursion like going to the park or a concert. "I need new pants! I know, I'll drag a few of my friends around the mall for several hours, shopping at several stores, and then walk out with absolutely nothing at all! It will be so much fun!"

For myself, I treat shopping much like I treat going to the dentist. It's annoying, but you have to do it eventually. "I need new pants! Well maybe I can hold out a few more months with the few pairs I have. Or years..."

The main problem I find when I am shopping with other people is how incredibly picky most people are. It's like we're on some sort of game show where the host keeps teasing you. "Will she buy the cute red shirt? It has that one weird ruffle on the bottom that she doesn't like. But who can beat that price?! Stay tuned to find out!"

I find it best to simply agree with whatever the person says, since that's all they want from you anyways.

"Do you think it's too big?"

"Yeah, it's definitely too big on you. Don't get it."

"Well actually now that I look at it again it doesn't look that big."

"Yeah now that I'm looking at it again, I think you're right. You should so get it."

"But the color is weird, right?"

"Totally. What a weird color. Don't get it."

It amazes me some of the strange things people can find wrong with outfits. I once went shopping with one of my friends who told me that she didn't want to get this one shirt because "it made her neck look long." I didn't even know that was something that you should be worried about when you're looking for clothes. It makes me wonder how many shirts I've bought over the years that actually have been making me look like a giraffe. I shudder to think about it.

On my ipod today: "Hammers and Strings" by Jack's Mannequin. Such a beautiful song...

Running Part II

You know how I said before that I don't really pay attention to things while I am running? Well I almost fell into a pond today. It was only about 80% my fault. Perhaps I should back up first.

Yesterday my roommates and I went up to Wegmans, and while we there we decided to rent a movie at one of those redbox machines. You can only have the movies for 24 hours, which meant that I had to return the movie the next day. Now as you all know from my previous posts, my car is basically a pile of random metal scrape pieces that happen to welded together in a fashion that slightly resembles a working vehicle. In other words, I didn't really want to drive back up to Wegmans just to return a movie.

So today I had the brilliant idea of carrying the DVD in my hand while I went on my run this afternoon. Yeah, I went on my run in the afternoon. That was my first mistake. It's already been unnaturally warm for October, and I decided to go running during the hottest time of the day. I only discovered this crucial mistake when I was already 20 minutes into my run and I wasn't going to turn back at that point. Some people have told me that I have a slight tendency to be a bit stubborn at times. While I vehemently disagree with this, I was getting that freaking movie back even if it killed me.

I also didn't remember that I had to cross a major street in order to get back to Wegmans. So I was forced to cross the street in dehydrated state with cars that drive overly aggressive. I can only imagine I was quite the spectacle while I was crossing the street, since I was both tired and fearful for my life. I must have looked like some crazed escaped criminal who just stole a DVD the way I was running around. Dehydration never has been one of my more flattering looks. I was both tired yet full of adrenaline.
 

It was only natural then when I came across the final barrier on my quest to Wegmans I got excited and rushed at it with the same enthusiasm  as a child going to Disney Land. At that point, Wegmans was my Disney Land. The only thing standing in my way was a giant hill. That's it! My adventure was almost done!

So I ran up that hill with all my remaining strength, with the help of the adrenaline still pumping through my veins. Just as I get to the top I realized the grass I was expecting to be on the other side of the hill wasn't grass at all. It was water. Not just water, but a ton a water. It was a pond. Full of water. And I was heading towards it with all the momentum of a run away train. I really should pay more attention when I am running.

Unfortunately for myself the other side of the hill kind of just dropped off into this pond that came out of nowhere. If I thought I had a lot of adrenaline pumping through my veins before, it was nothing compared to now. As I inevitably got closer to the water I realized it wasn't just water either. It was NASTY water. This is not surprising since it lies right next to a parking lot, but still I would describe it more as a slightly watery chemical sludge rather than actual water. There was no way I was going in that.

In a desperate attempt to avoid taking a bath in the infected water, which looking back may not have been such a terrible thing if it gave some sort of super power, I grabbed onto a nearby tree. My feet clearly did not get the memo that I had no intention in going into the pond since they continued to travel toward the water. So while my arms held onto the branch, my feel traveled forward and I ended up landing straight on my butt. It hurt like hell, but at least I gave the people driving by on the road an entertaining show.

So you see, it was only 80% my fault that I almost went into the pond. The other 20% was the movie's fault. It was a good movie, but not worth my public humiliation.

Something Worth Looking At

On my ipod today: "Love and Memories" by OAR. It was on my ipod at the time I dramatically fell so it only seems natural that it is the song of the day.

Driving

Seeing as I just made a post about my lovely day trip to the DMV, I figured I should make a post about driving as well. I hate it. I really really hate it. I will find just about any reason to make sure I can get out of driving. Over the years I have become quite crafty at making people think it was their idea in the first place to drive. "It's so annoying how my mom parks in the driveway. I have no idea how I am going to get my car out." "Why don't I just drive? I'll come pick you up." "Oh that's a great idea! Carpooling is greener anyways. Thanks!"

Why do you hate driving so much you ask? Couple of reasons. For one thing, I believe my car is about as safe to drive as it would be to be driving around in a nuclear bomb. Random jolts and clingy noises are something I have grown accustomed to. It's okay though, my mechanic assures me that I am crazy and my brakes are fine. Clearly, I need to be going to a doctor instead of a mechanic because I have been imaging all those times my brakes don't quite work right. The AC doesn't work in my car either. Well technically it does work, but my mechanic also told me that "The pipe the AC uses is loose, so be warned that if you use your AC, you may hear an extremely loud BANG come from your engine. It's perfectly safe." Yes, from my experience loud bangs are always perfectly safe. I mean, what harm has ever been caused by something that creates a loud bang?

Also, I am terrible at directions. I've gotten lost going to places I have been going to my whole life. Literally, I have lived in the same house my entire life. The mall is only about ten minutes from my house. I got lost going there. I'm fairly certain squirrels have a better sense of direction than me. I mean, they always seem to remember which specific tree they hid their nuts under, but I can't remember how to get to a place I've been going to for 20 years.

Then there are other drivers. When you think about it, there are not that many safe drivers out there on the roads. First you have your old people. They can be so cute sitting in their little cars, barely able to see over the steering wheel. How could you deny them access to the road? The problem is that they assume since they have been driving for years, that they are perfect at it. Take for instance my Grandpa. He is by far one of the worst drivers I have ever seen. One time, he went straight through an intersection when he was in the left turn only lane. When I pointed this out to him he replied "Oh it's okay! I do that all the time!" Oh of course, I had forgotten that once you've been driving for over 30 years, you no longer need to obey all of the traffic laws, only some of them. He also backed into a mail truck one time. He had to pay big time for that one since it's a federal offense or something. His excuse was, "It wasn't there when I started backing out! It must have zoomed in behind me!" Has anyone ever seen a mail truck "zoom" anywhere? I'm fairly certain small children on bikes go faster than mail trucks in residential areas.

The worst are young guy drivers. You know who I'm talking about. Mr. Cool who puts his left arm on the door as he leans away from the steering wheel with a posture that reads "I just don't give a ****" It's the kind of stupidity that one can only dream of attaining in life. It takes years to perfect the slouch and slightly vacant expression that looks like someone just beat the side of their face with a bat. Unfortunately no one has actually beaten them with a bat. They only look as if someone has. I've never really understood what it means to be cool, but what I have gathered thus far is that you just need to look super pissed off all of the time. I'd try it someday but blah. Way too normal.

On my ipod today: "Point/Counterpoint" by Streetlight Mainfesto. You gotta love Streetlight! No really, you need to love them if you want to continue reading my blog because I freaking love them.

DMV

I had to go to the DMV today to make sure they updated my license in time for when I turn 21 next month. Anyone who has ever been to the DMV before knows that is always one of the best experiences of your day because the DMV has always been known for their extremely friendly service, efficiency, and organization!

Well of course anyone who has actually ever been to a DMV knows this is never the case, and of course my experience was no different. I smiled politely to the grouchy middle aged women who shouted "NEXT" to me even though I had already started walking up to the counter. She shoved a bunch of papers in my face and told me to sign in different areas, which I did. Then she told me to "Stand over there!" which I did because everyone knows not to mess with a middle aged women who can shout like a man. They are on the same par of intimidation as a seriously pissed off cat. In other words, you just do what they say.

So I stood where she told me, and then she shouted "SMILE" and immediately I smiled as if someone was holding a gun to my head. It was the hugest, most strained smile I have ever made. It wasn't even a voluntary action. Something in my brain noted that I was being yelled at my body simply reacted in a way to correct the situation. Next thing I know, she's showing me a screen with my (horrible) picture on it and asking me if it was good. Did you know that they retake your picture for your new license when you turn 21? I didn't, but I sure know now!

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I can't say no. To anything or anyone. I have this automatic "yes" that simply pops out no matter what my true feelings are. Needless to say, I now get to enjoy years on end of a terrible drivers licenses picture! Most people look forward to when their new license comes in the mail, but I'm just praying the picture is small enough that you can't really tell how awkward a smile I have.

After this the lady shoved a piece of paper with a number on it and told me they would be with me shortly. I was really confused because I thought I was done with everything, but of course I wasn't going to ask her what she meant. I prefer my head nonbitten off. It's worked quite well for me so far. I mean, what if she was menopausal? My chances of survival after asking her a question would be even less then. I wasn't willing to take the risk.

I then proceeded to walk off in a confused state looking around like a lost tourist. Luckily, I figured out that my piece of paper with a number on it was meant to tell me what place I was in line. My excitement increased at the thought of meeting with another grouchy middle aged women. I mean why not, my first experience had gone so well!

I waited a half an hour before I got up to the counter. The lady working there, without looking at me, told me "That will be $63.50." Beautiful. I waited a half an hour to pay for my new license with my new terrible picture. At least I will be constantly reminded of this day whenever I look at my license. One of those simple joys in life.

Lesson to you all: Going to the DMV is never a simple task, but it always gives you a good story to tell.

On my ipod today: "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves. It was 80 degrees out today! In October!